One thing I have noticed about myself is that I am my own worst enemy on this new life I am striving for, what I mean by that is that for so long I have told myself "You can't do that your too fat" that it is hard to train your mind to say "Just try". For the last two months I have been struggling with the treadmill for one reason, most of my heaviness is the fact that my stomach is huge and strain of just walking with all of that weight in the front puts a huge strain on my back. Over the years I have tried to be really sneaky of hiding how much it effects my daily life by always asking for tables instead of booths when we eat out, because my I don't want to squish into a booth and have my fat stomach get in the way. When we go grocery shopping or shopping in general I make sure that I am the one to push the cart, for years my daughters probably thought it was because I was the "Mom". But of course the truth was I could make it through the store by holding onto the handle and allowing it to take some of the weight off of my back.
These are not easy things to admit, but I promised everyone when I started this blog that I would always give you the unvarnished truth no matter how painful or uncomfortable it may be in hopes of helping other people like myself. Now for the last two months I have been trying to make some progress on the treadmill but again I would get to the 2-3 minute point and the weight of my stomach would really start to take a real toll on my back. On top of this I would start to feel my breathe becoming so rapid that I felt as though I was hot, and could not breathe and my only thing to do was to stop and catch my breathe. For weeks the longest I could go was around 5-7 minutes always panicking and then feeling disgraced when I could not go any further. That mental block seemed like a huge concrete wall that I just could not get over, no matter how hard I tried, or how frustrated and mad at myself I got.
To complicate things even further my best friend whom is working out with me, is a full hundred pounds less than me and was really starting to hit her stride on the treadmill while I was still floundering. Then the other day I thought to myself, this was so similar to when I quit smoking it is simply mind over matter. So I know when I would hit that mental wall it was always around the three minute mark, so this time when I get to that point I am going to talk myself off that wall and jump off feet first. So there it was I could feel my chest starting to tighten, and I could feel beads of sweat starting to form on the back of my neck, my breathing was becoming so rapid that I was starting to feel a little dizzy. And for the next minute or so it literally made me feel physically miserable, I was hot, sweaty, my legs were aching, my back is hurting from the weight of my stomach, and my heart is beating out of my chest. All of sudden that same old familiar feeling tries to take over where I get the "fight or flight" feeling and always choose the flight method. But today I decided "NO" I am going to make it over this mental wall, and began to tell myself take deep breaths, slow down your breathing and you will start to feel so much better. It seem to take forever, but eventually I was able to gain control over my breathing and I was able to continue walking and still be able to control my breathing and slowly I started to feel so much better.
For the first time in two months I had come face to face with the mental wall and instead of running away and stopping on that treadmill, this time I jumped feet first off the wall and continued walking. It was the most amazing feeling and so hard to explain other than I felt a rush of cool air come over me, and I started to cool down and gain control over my breathing. Since that day I have been to the gym three more times, and each time I am still hitting that wall, but each time I am able to climb over it and each time I have walked a little farther. As matter of fact today I finally walked for a half hour and walked a full mile, that was probably the biggest accomplishment I have made thus far on this journey. As I got to my car tonight from leaving the gym, I remember shutting the door and grabbing my phone to look at the photo above I had taken to prove to myself that I had accomplished walking a mile. And tears just started to form in my eyes, and trying to not cry in the middle of a parking lot, I simply couldn't help it.
Too many years I have spent putting myself down, and telling myself what a fat, ugly no good person I was. And today as I looked in my rear view mirror it was the first time I said to myself "Damn Angie I am so proud of you" and I meant it. It these little milestones, where I no longer will allow myself to put myself down any further. Because what am I teaching my own daughters, when they see how much their own Mother does not like her body or herself? Now when I look in the mirror I am trying to find things to love about myself, for example I got all dolled up for church yesterday. Took a step into my bathroom looked in the mirror and thought "Damn girl you look awesome". Now I think the last time I felt like that was when I was eighteen years old, that is too long to have that feeling. So for those of you whom may find yourself in shoes similar to mine, I beg you to either look in the mirror or write it down a piece of paper and find at least one thing that you love about yourself and build on that. Because we are no good to our children or our families or spouses or significant others if we do not like or loves our own selves. Throw on your favorite pink nike's just like me and jump feet first over your mental wall today, and never let anything stand between you and your dreams.
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