Sometimes the truth hits you in the face

 



Oh the truth can be a cruel mistress that is there to shake you into reality. Over the last few weeks it seems like I have been dealing with so many emotions that is hard to swim through the rocky waters to understand them all from anger to depression to being proud to feeling all alone. Well this morning as my Mom was posting photos of our awesome Easter family celebration, I found myself break down into tears as I saw the photos of myself appear. The word mortified comes to mind as I look at the three photos that were taken of me from yesterday, not because of the quality because my Mom is a gifted photographer. But mortified from the reality that is me in all my big fat glory.

I will share those photos with you throughout this blog article, it is so hard to fully explain what got me so upset so I apologize now if I ramble but the emotions are so raw right now, and I figured maybe someone could relate to my situation I am in. When I look back on yesterday the feeling that comes to mind is pride, pride in myself and my physical accomplishments yesterday. For the first time yesterday and on my own I had decided to try and see how far I could walk, and I really pushed myself to go as far as I could go and I remember finishing and going two and half miles of which half of that was uphill and being so proud of myself. Then I decided to push myself even further and went to my local gym and got a great workout in, so by the time I had gotten to my parents I felt elated and on top of the world. It was funny because when I got to my parents I wanted to share with everyone what I had accomplished not to brag or show off, but because months ago I never could of accomplished those tasks and I was amazed at how strong I was becoming. As the day wore on I noticed my migraine I had been fighting all day starting to make its way to the for front, and my legs and back were really starting to hurt, but I pushed on and decided to go with Mom and Sister on a walk. During that walk I found myself having to stop and stretch my back out because it was sore, and at times I would catch myself getting upset because I couldn't keep up with them, but I would stop myself and say "No you did a lot already today you are sore because of that". When we came around the last bend in the road before my parents house and I saw all the family members out playing basketball I remember just feeling proud that I pushed myself farther and went on that walk, that sense of pride was back.

But seeing those photos that Mom took really upset me, because it was so hard to look at those photos and see how I felt yesterday. Yesterday I felt pretty, and proud of my accomplishments, but when I looked at these photos I literally wanted to cry and vomit at the same time. The person staring back me in those photos does not feel or reflect the true Angie, and I am hoping at some point in  my journey where I can look at photos of myself and not be mortified and disgusted with myself and who I had become. In those photos from yesterday I did not see that strong woman who is fighting to get her life back, for whatever reason I saw the old Angie the one who had given up on life, and it scared me. The hardest part of this journey is that I am literally doing this 100% on my own and it is literally the loneliest feeling in the world. My two babies are living their lives, I am single (and not looking lol) and find myself alone a lot. It is probably the part I hate the most is having to work out alone, and deal with my emotions that this is bringing up in me alone, and feeling like no one but my support group friends could possibly understand what I am going through.

Told you I might ramble I am sorry, I will try really hard to get out of this funk and get back onto a more positive path. Just sometimes the silliest things tend to derail us temporarily and the true test is how we handle those bumps in the road. Personally I am proud to say I did not resort to eating because I was upset like I normally would, instead I decided to journal it in my blog. As much as I hate this photos and how I feel that they are not a true representation of me who the real Angie is becoming it is a good way to remind myself that I do not want to be this person any more.